HOLY CRAP!!

last christmas, bryan won a drawing at work that granted him a gift certificate to a quaint little bed and breakfast on san juan island. so one weekend in february, we packed our bags and ventured "inn to the woods" to spend a few days soaking up the beauty of the landscape and the sweetness of fresh air. we arrived on friday afternoon and spent most of the evening basking beneath the stars in our bubbly hot tub. the next morning we awoke to homemade apple pancakes and fresh squeezed orange juice...quite the treat for me as i don't usually eat breakfast and i definitely don't usually have the opportunity of enjoying homemade apple pancakes. yum, yum, yum. it was all you could eat and i ate, well, all i could. after breakfast we visited with the owner/chef/maid/maintenance man and his wife...and then mosied into the living room to peruse the vast library of dvd's, vhs's, and books, books, books. bryan continued perusing as something across the room caught my eye...a puzzle! whoo-hoo! puzzles i love! i sat down at a table where half of a 1000-piece orca puzzle was spread out. the puzzle's box was propped up for guidance. i always begin puzzles by organizing the pieces according to color so i know what pieces might go together. i had a pile of dark blue, a pile of light blue, a pile of green blue, a pile of purple blue...and a pile of "extra blue." this puzzle wasn't going to be a 2 minute success story. the dilemma about my love for puzzles is that i am also OCD. i cannot start a puzzle and walk away leaving it unfinished...NO MATTER WHAT. if i start it, i do so with the intention of completing it. if i can't finish it, i don't start it. nohwuhimsayin?
i'm in the chair, my blue piles are neatly organized, and bryan is comfortably plopped in a chair skimming through pages of 3D art. eyebrows furrowed, tongue out, brain working...i'm raring to go. nothing can stop me now...me and the orcas. me and the orcas. me and ...oooh, a stomach cramp. it's okay. just the digestion of breakfast. keep going. focus angela. you can do this. focusing on the dark blue pile...let's see...this piece looks like it will go with this one....ooooh, another stomach cramp. i think digestion is complete and is on to the next phase. shoot. i don't have time for this. must finish puzzle. finish puzzle. okay...now, where was i...yes, these pieces connect over here...and where was that...oooooh, scooting butt across the chair...must go to the bathroom. very uncomfortable feeling. must finish puzzle. okay...now...this piece here and...ow, ow, ow...ahhhh...silent fart. smelly but satisfying. feeling better, thank goodness. me and the orcas. me and the orcas...oh perfect! this set will connect right here and ah, we can see where the water meets the sky...so lovely...so...shoot. here it comes again. silent fart? push it out. it will feel better. oh no. not a silent fart. it's the real deal. great. i made it worse. now i'm crowning. no time for this. must finish puzzle. still crowning...dilating maybe? stomach cramp. okay, sit on foot. heel under butt. give us more time. me and the orcas. must finish puzzle. okay...can't finish puzzle but will at least finish this pile of blue. oooooh, squeezing cheeks. grinding teeth. grimacing. wrinkling nose. ow, ow. hold on...almost done with pile. must finish. must finish. crap! bryan! i have to go to the bathroom! ahhhhh!
i run into the bathroom and sit on the throne of relief. ahhhhhhhh. such pressure. such relaxation. such stench. the deal was done, no pain involved. i stand up, raise pants, reach to flush and HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bryan! get in here! right now! hurry up! bryan! hurry! where are you?! come in here!!!!! what? what is it? are you oh-- HOLY CRAP!!!! bryan's on the floor. his face looks like a tomato resting on his shoulders. he's holding his laughing belly. knees to chest. he can't breathe. where's my camera, ang? that thing came out of you? it must be like...3 feet long! no exaggeration! omigosh! it's like wrapped around the bowl!!! how did you do that? i have never seen such a thing! unbelievable!
i know! i was shocked too! that's why i had to show you! no one would believe me! and this sort of thing, you just can't experience alone!
we both stand up. we stare at the toilet in awe of my effortless but impressive job well done. we hug. we say a few words to honor its greatness and with a sigh, we flush...and watch the beast break into smaller beasts and slowly slip into the cave. we say our goodbyes and nod to each other knowing we have just been marked by the beast.